dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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