I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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