dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
