Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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