I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
