I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
and eventually we just all took our pants off
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize