Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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