Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
