he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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