***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
