Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
