omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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