i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
