I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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