I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
