i would punch a child for taco bell
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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