You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
