i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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