I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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