The maid of honor just puked.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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