i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize