Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize