Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
