.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
