I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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