You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
