Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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