Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
