Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
