I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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