can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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