He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
