He uses pillows to masturbate.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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