something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
