I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
