first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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