she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
