Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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