the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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