nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
