Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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