Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
