Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
