You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I touched a dick in church today
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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