Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
