i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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