i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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