I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
