when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
