I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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