im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
