I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
