If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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