I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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