i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
