she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize