Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
