fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
