i permit you to call me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
